Balancing my Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Meaningful Relationship
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, mostly enjoyable years pursuing casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I was in a serious relationship which continued for four years, however it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved or intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for uncommitted intimacy. Whenever I begin seeing a potential partner, once the newness dwindles, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.
Questioning the Feasibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to sustain a monogamous relationship. I understand that many gay men engage in open relationships, but when I’ve witnessed them, they appear like hard work, often causing lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire another man to love me while letting me remain sexually free, but I fear the emotional drain this might create. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and accept that a long-term relationship may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path varies. Try not to think about what you require in partnerships or your capacity to tolerate different types of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find greater understanding and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you could encounter someone who provides a life-changing chance for you by reflecting your desires completely … and later on you might decide that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing the “What if?” game is merely rooted in fear and squandering of your efforts. Try to be in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the worth of each person you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to strengthen true intimacy with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in addressing sexual disorders.
